A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Heal After Catastrophe

An Open Letter to Families Who Were Displaced by the Los Angeles Wildfires

By Carrie Mackensen, Ph.D. www.successfulparent.com

When disaster strikes, and entire communities are devastated, our first instinct as adults is often to spring into action – to focus on immediate practical needs and logistics. This is entirely understandable. Yet, we must remember that in the midst of our own stress, our children are overwhelmed too, and they desperately need our attention and support to process it all. The lasting impact of a tragedy isn't determined by the event itself but by how those around us respond to our trauma.

Understanding Children's Reactions

Children experiencing catastrophic loss, like the destruction of their home, school, and community in this devastating Los Angeles wildfire, may show distress in a multitude of ways. While adults might verbalize their stress or throw themselves into tasks, children often show their emotional struggles differently:

• Some might become clingy or regress to earlier behaviors like thumb-sucking or bed-wetting

• Others might act out with increased defiance or show aggression

• Many may have trouble sleeping, resist bedtime, or experience nightmares

• Some might become withdrawn from activities they usually enjoy

• Difficulty concentrating is common

• A lack of or an increase in appetite

• Physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches often appear

• Increased separation anxiety and emotional outbursts may occur

These behaviors aren't your child being "difficult" – they're crying out for support. Responding with patience and compassion, even when their behavior is challenging, helps them feel secure and understood.

Creating Safety in Uncertainty

Even when you've lost your physical home, you can still create a sense of emotional safety for your child:

First, maintain routines wherever possible. While your regular routines have been destroyed, you can establish new ones – regular meal times, a consistent bedtime ritual, or daily check-in conversations can provide much-needed structure.

Be physically present and available. Your presence is a powerful anchor for your child. Make time for extra long hugs (at least 20 seconds), sitting together, or simply being in the same space. This physical closeness helps regulate their nervous system and provides comfort even when you are at a loss for words.

The Healing Power of Physical Connection

Never underestimate the power of a long, warm hug. When we embrace for 20 seconds or more, our bodies release oxytocin—often called the "bonding hormone"—which helps reduce stress and anxiety. This works for both the hugger and the person being hugged; it is a powerful tool for mutual comfort and connection.

Validating Their Feelings

Listen without trying to fix everything. It's natural to want to improve things, but sometimes, children simply need to know their feelings are heard and understood. To help them feel felt, you might say, "It's okay to be angry about losing your favorite toys." "I know you miss your room and your school. I miss our home too." "It's normal to feel scared. It was scary, and we are safe now. I'm right here with you." Validate your child's feelings until you feel their body relax. Once you feel this shift to a more relaxed state, then you can offer redirection in the form of comforting words that all will be okay and that you are there for them.

Managing Your Own Response

Your children are looking to you for how to respond to this crisis. While it's okay (and healthy) for our kids to see that we parents have emotions too, try to:

• Take moments to regulate your own emotions when needed

• Practice self-care when possible, even if it's just taking deep breaths

• Try a meditation app like “Happier”

• Reach out to other adults for support

• Share your feelings in a way that doesn't overwhelm your child

• Use positive self-talk, like “We will get through this, one step at a time.”

The Power of Co-Regulation

Our children's nervous systems are intimately connected to ours. When we're stressed, they feel it. When we're calm, they can borrow from our steadiness. Here's a powerful practice to do together:

1. Sit face-to-face or side-by-side

2. Take three deep breaths together

3. Make the exhales extra long and slow – like you're slowly blowing bubbles through a bubble wand

4. Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly to feel your breath moving

5. Notice together how your bodies feel calmer after these breaths

Take Breaks from the Trauma

While dealing with practical matters is essential, it's crucial to take intentional breaks from the disaster:

• Turn off the news

• Turn off cell phones

• Step away from social media

• Create space for family connection

Use this time to:

• Play board games together

• Watch a funny movie

• Take a family walk

• Share stories and memories

• Cook a simple meal together

• Draw, color, or create art

• Just sit together and talk

Creating moments of normalcy and connection is essential for emotional healing and resilience. They remind children (and adults) that joy and laughter are still possible, even in difficult times.

Finding Light in the Darkness

While acknowledging the pain and loss, we can gently guide our children's attention to the helpers – the countless people showing up with support and love:

"Look at the brave firefighters working so hard to protect people." "See how many friends have brought us clothes and supplies?" "Isn't it wonderful how Aunt Sarah opened her home to us?"

This isn't about dismissing the loss but about helping children understand that even in the darkest times, there is light – in the form of human kindness and community support.

The Foundation That Cannot Burn

While the physical structures of our lives may be gone, help children recognize what remains unscathed:

Our love for each other.

Our family bonds.

Our memories.

Our ability to create new beginnings.

Our community connections.

Our resilience.

These are the true foundations of our lives, and they cannot be destroyed by any fire. They are the building blocks from which we will create our new future.

Teach Resilience Through Example

While painful, this devastating experience offers an opportunity to teach one of life's most valuable lessons: human resilience. Share stories of other communities that have rebuilt after disasters. Talk about how challenges, while difficult, can make us stronger and bring people closer together. Building resilience adds meaning to even the most unfathomable of tragedies. All is not lost when we build internal strength and resilience that carries us forward through life.

The Path Forward

Remember: as long as we have our lives, health, and each other, we have everything we need to start again. This message isn't about minimizing the loss but fostering hope and perspective. Although everything may look different, you can and will create a new and beautiful chapter together.

In the end, this experience, while tremendously difficult, can teach our children the most important lesson of all: that as long as we have each other, anything is possible, and everything will be okay.

Professional Support

Don't hesitate to seek professional help if your child:

• Shows persistent changes in behavior

• Has ongoing sleep difficulties

• Expresses hopeless feelings

• Withdrawals or stops doing typically daily tasks and activities

Remember that you're not alone in this journey; you, too, can look to the helpers. Contact a psychologist or parent coach to help guide your family through this challenge.

The Bottom Line

Your consistent presence is more important for your child than having all the answers. Simply sitting with your child and acknowledging their feelings is among the most powerful support you can offer.